What Almost Wasn't

Tonight when Dane was letting me rock him to sleep, I thought back to the days when we found out that having a child wasn't going to be as easy as we had hoped.  See, Jonathan and I are in the minority of infertile couples in that we found out before we ever started trying to conceive that it was going to take a miracle.  We had a small suspicion, had some testing done, and what we feared was true.

In the months prior, we had picked out names (one boy name and one girl name) for our hypothetical child.  It was so much fun imaging what he or she might be like, and I (not so secretly) wished he or she would have brown eyes.  What can I say?  I am a sucker  for some brown eyes.

We were sad enough on the day we learned our test results, but a few days later, when we recalled the names we had picked out, it made it all the more real.  The names made our "child" a real person, and so the wound was fresh again.

When I was smelling Dane's hair tonight as he snored on my lap, I thought "wow, if I had only known that this  would be the child we were missing out on..."  I'm not sure I could have functioned with that grief.

We are so blessed to have been given the chance to experience infertility.  I say that in all seriousness.  I don't wish it on anyone, but infertility has brought me wonderful friends, infertility has taught me how to hope, and infertility has made me stronger.  Granted, I say this as someone who is on the other side of the fight now.  I didn't feel this way three years ago, and I don't expect everyone who goes through it (even those who are as lucky as us and have a child) to have the same opinion.  But in this moment, I'm grateful for...well, for being grateful.

And if you're wondering, yes, "Dane" was the boy name we picked out over three and a half years before he joined us!