I know a lot of infertile men and women. I met a few of my infertile friends because of infertility, either through an online forum, my fertility clinic, or a support group. However, I met most of my infertile friends long before any of us ever tried to have children. (I promise that you know at least a handful of infertile people, even if they haven't told you so.) We tend to open up to other infertile people because we are pretty damn sure that person would not make us feel worse about being infertile, as sometimes others can. But if you're not infertile, and you're lucky enough that your friend or family member has trusted you with information of their infertility, here are a few pieces of advice to make sure you're a help and not a hindrance to their struggle. I've adapted my list from RESOLVE's Infertility Etiquette piece and added a few thoughts of my own. You can find the link here, along with plenty of other great information.
Do not tell your friend to relax. Of course it would be fantastic if we could, but quite literally, life is on the line and it just isn't so easy. Would you tell anyone else who came to you with bad news to "relax"? Maybe a friend whose mother is in the hospital, someone who is going through a divorce, or is dealing with addiction? Of course not. And it's not appropriate in this situation either. You're just making them feel like you don't think their problem is really a problem. (By the way, even if you do feel that way, don't say it.)
So what can you say? How about this. "Is there anything I can do to make this less stressful for you?" Perhaps you could offer to feed their pets if they're going to be late coming back from a doctor appointment or cook dinner during a particularly stressful week. I happen to have the world's coolest BFF who actually took me to get a message at a fantastic spa in our hometown right before we started IVF. She even picked me up and fed me! I realize that's not within everyone's budget, and she certainly went way over the call of duty, even for a best bud. Feeding someone's dog is free. It will show that while you may not understand, you're there for the person and willing to help them through a tough time.
Do not say that it's all in God's hands. If your friend is religious, he or she will realize this already. If not, well, this is certainly not the way to win them over to God. I found this on one of my a fertility forums about four years ago and I can't even begin to describe how much it spoke to me:
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.
Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."
Don't complain about your pregnancy. This should be obvious. You might be the world's most uncomfortable pregnant woman alive, but find someone else to complain to. An infertile person would gladly take your place, even if it meant puking her guts out every.single.day. That doesn't mean you have to be Mary Poppins, just pay attention to what you are saying. I had mild morning sickness from weeks five to ten of my pregnancy. One morning I just woke up and it was gone. I wanted it back! It meant I was pregnant and had a healthy, growing little person! I was terrified. I felt uneasy regularly, wondering if everything was going ok inside my body until two months later, when I could feel him moving around.
You can and should talk about your pregnancy. It would seem more awkward if you didn't, because it would be obvious as to the reason you were avoiding the topic. Just please think before you speak. Which is a good piece of advice for us all, really.
Invite them to the baby shower/kids party/etc. I've been in this position before, and it feels awful. The friend had honest intentions of not hurting me, but it only made me feel more alienated. You wouldn't not invite a single person to a wedding, would you? Let her decide if she wants to come. If you're worried it'll be viewed as insensitive by the recipient, include a special note in the invitation, stating that you understand if she doesn't feel up to attending. Or not. Whatever you feel led to do. Just don't let their infertility struggles be the reason you don't invite them.
Don't say you'll get pregnant now. When an infertile person is excited about their next step, whether that be living childless and traveling the world, adopting a baby, or moving on to IVF, do not tell them that this decision was the only thing standing between them and pregnancy. Not only is it insane, but it's complete crap. Of course it happens sometimes. I personally know a sweet friend who it did happen to. If only it could happen to us all. My friend Maria writes a blog about their adoption and goes more in depth about why this is not a cool thing to say in her FAQ tab. These decisions take years to come to, so be excited for the couple! Even if you think they should have made a different decision, it's not yours to make.
Don't give unsolicited fertility advice. Do not tell your infertile friend that your friends did [fill in the blank] and they have a 2 year old! Seriously. This person has potentially spent tens of thousands of dollars to doctors, labs, and pharmacies and somehow still needs fertility advice from an engineer, writer, or counselor? Once Jonathan and I "came out" with our news about pursuing IVF, I had a friend email me once asking if we had tried charting my ovulation. Um, what? That's like someone taking their car to the shop because it won't stop and the technician asking the customer if they applied the brake! Seriously, once you get to the point of visiting with a reproductive endocrinologist, charting is almost a joke. If you feel the need to share another friend's story (who you know wouldn't mind), offer to give him/her the email address. And then leave it at that. It truly is helpful to talk to someone who has been through it, but your friend may not be ready.
The best piece of advice I can give? Be happy with them, be sad with them. You don't have to say anything. Just listen.
If you have questions about someone's infertility experiences, just ask. We'd rather you be educated about it. You can help spread the word so the world doesn't ignore infertility. If you have questions, and you are genuinely close to the person, ask them. You might learn something.
I hope you all find this helpful. Please share this information, the world could use it! And be sure to visit www.resolve.org for more information about infertility.
