Perspective

I was washing a load of laundry this evening while Dane and Jonathan played on the bed.  Dane was playing with Jonathan's wedding ring, taking it on and off of Jonathan's hand, and I overheard Jonathan say "the ring goes on this finger because I love Mama very much."  Melt.my.heart.  What a fantastic lesson for our son to learn.  And I'm not talking about marriage.  Two people that love one another and are committed to one another sharing the joys and sorrows of raising a child together -- that's what I am talking about.  I am so very blessed to have someone to share this parenthood journey with.  Heck, it's tough with two parents; I don't envy those who have to go it alone.

It got me thinking about all those who I don't think are doing a very good job of parenting.  Do I judge you when you breast feed your 4 year old?  Yes.  Do I think you're being irresponsible for turning your 1 year old around in his car seat?  Yes.  Do I think you're being a lazy parent when your four year old is sucking on a pacifier and still in diapers.  Absolutely.

But really, none of it matters.  I know that I make decisions that others don't agree with.  Despite our best efforts, Dane began watching TV before 2 years old.  It was the only thing we found that could get him to sit still for his breathing treatments at 8 months old.  At that point, breathing treatments were more important than his not watching TV.  Am I proud of it?  Nope.  Dane also had to be formula fed.  I hated that and still feel a lot of guilt (22 months after the fact) that I was unable to fulfill this need for him.  I'm sure I got some glares from well-meaning breast feeders everywhere.  What they didn't know is that I have a physical reason that I could not produce enough milk for my son, due to reconstructive surgery I had at 16 years old.

I'm sure the mother of the four year old still in diapers has a good reason as well.  I'm still going to think she's nuts for changing the diaper of a kid who can probably read and write.  I'm still going to give my husband the "wtf?!" eye when I see a parent giving their kid Mountain Dew or sweet tea in a sippy cup.  I will always believe that there is a right and a wrong way to do things and that there isn't a whole lot of gray area, especially when it comes to parenting.  But if you've got two loving parents who treat their child(ren) with kindness and respect, you're 95% of the way there anyway.

Family Photos (finally!)

Sorry it's been a while!  We just got back from a much needed short vacation.  (I'll be posting about that later.)

Yesterday we had our long-awaited photo shoot with Jessica of {two chics} photography.  If you aren't familiar with their work, you really should check them out.  Jessica brought along her sweet husband to make crazy noises and faces for Dane so that she could capture his precious smile.  Dane took a bit to warm up, but once we broke out the animal cookies, he was all in!

I was pretty nervous about the shoot.  To say I am not photogenic would be an understatement.  I tend to look like I smelled a fart in every photo, especially when it's hot.  And it was, even at 8am.  Fortunately, Jonathan is one of the most photogenic people I know.  I knew Jessica would make us look fantastic, and I was certain that Dane would be adorable no matter what.  I did make a minor boo-boo a week ago with Dane's haircut.  I decided to to use the taper guard on the clippers instead of just blending with different size guards like I normally do.  Oops.  It looked like an animal had gnawed off a couple chunks of hair above his ears for a few days.  I don't think it's noticeable in any of the photos I've seen so far.

Speaking of.... here are our "sneak peeks" from the shoot!  I love them.  I think they capture the way we feel about one another and how love finally did come to us in so many ways.  (Also, notice the new header photo is also from {two chics}!

Advice for National Infertility Awareness Week

Hi, folks!  It's National Infertility Awareness Week and y'all had to know I was going to blog about infertility, right?  Well, of course!

I know a lot of infertile men and women.  I met a few of my infertile friends because of infertility, either through an online forum, my fertility clinic, or a support group.  However, I met most of my infertile friends long before any of us ever tried to have children.  (I promise that you know at least a handful of infertile people, even if they haven't told you so.)  We tend to open up to other infertile people because we are pretty damn sure that person would not make us feel worse about being infertile, as sometimes others can.  But if you're not infertile, and you're lucky enough that your friend or family member has trusted you with information of their infertility, here are a few pieces of advice to make sure you're a help and not a hindrance to their struggle.  I've adapted my list from RESOLVE's Infertility Etiquette piece and added a few thoughts of my own.  You can find the link here, along with plenty of other great information.

Do not tell your friend to relax.  Of course it would be fantastic if we could, but quite literally, life is on the line and it just isn't so easy.  Would you tell anyone else who came to you with bad news to "relax"?  Maybe a friend whose mother is in the hospital, someone who is going through a divorce, or is dealing with addiction?  Of course not.  And it's not appropriate in this situation either.  You're just making them feel like you don't think their problem is really a problem.  (By the way, even if you do feel that way, don't say it.)

So what can you say?  How about this.  "Is there anything I can do to make this less stressful for you?"  Perhaps you could offer to feed their pets if they're going to be late coming back from a doctor appointment or cook dinner during a particularly stressful week.  I happen to have the world's coolest BFF who actually took me to get a message at a fantastic spa in our hometown right before we started IVF.  She even picked me up and fed me!  I realize that's not within everyone's budget, and she certainly went way over the call of duty, even for a best bud.  Feeding someone's dog is free.  It will show that while you may not understand, you're there for the person and willing to help them through a tough time.

Do not say that it's all in God's hands.  If your friend is religious, he or she will realize this already.  If not, well, this is certainly not the way to win them over to God.  I found this on one of my a fertility forums about four years ago and I can't even begin to describe how much it spoke to me:

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. 

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

 So, if you find it necessary to offer up some piece of wisdom along the religious line, try this instead:  "I'll be praying for you guys."  And do so.

Don't complain about your pregnancy.  This should be obvious.  You might be the world's most uncomfortable pregnant woman alive, but find someone else to complain to.  An infertile person would gladly take your place, even if it meant puking her guts out every.single.day.  That doesn't mean you have to be Mary Poppins, just pay attention to what you are saying.  I had mild morning sickness from weeks five to ten of my pregnancy.  One morning I just woke up and it was gone.  I wanted it back!  It meant I was pregnant and had a healthy, growing little person!  I was terrified.  I felt uneasy regularly, wondering if everything was going ok inside my body until two months later, when I could feel him moving around.

You can and should talk about your pregnancy.  It would seem more awkward if you didn't, because it would be obvious as to the reason you were avoiding the topic.  Just please think before you speak.  Which is a good piece of advice for us all, really.

Invite them to the baby shower/kids party/etc.  I've been in this position before, and it feels awful.  The friend had honest intentions of not hurting me, but it only made me feel more alienated.  You wouldn't not invite a single person to a wedding, would you?  Let her decide if she wants to come.  If you're worried it'll be viewed as insensitive by the recipient, include a special note in the invitation, stating that you understand if she doesn't feel up to attending.  Or not.  Whatever you feel led to do.  Just don't let their infertility struggles be the reason you don't invite them.

Don't say you'll get pregnant now.  When an infertile person is excited about their next step, whether that be living childless and traveling the world, adopting a baby, or moving on to IVF, do not tell them that this decision was the only thing standing between them and pregnancy.  Not only is it insane, but it's complete crap.  Of course it happens sometimes.  I personally know a sweet friend who it did happen to.  If only it could happen to us all.  My friend Maria writes a blog about their adoption and goes more in depth about why this is not a cool thing to say in her FAQ tab.  These decisions take years to come to, so be excited for the couple!  Even if you think they should have made a different decision, it's not yours to make.

Don't give unsolicited fertility advice.  Do not tell your infertile friend that your friends did [fill in the blank] and they have a 2 year old!  Seriously.  This person has potentially spent tens of thousands of dollars to doctors, labs, and pharmacies and somehow still needs fertility advice from an engineer, writer, or counselor?  Once Jonathan and I "came out" with our news about pursuing IVF, I had a friend email me once asking if we had tried charting my ovulation.  Um, what?  That's like someone taking their car to the shop because it won't stop and the technician asking the customer if they applied the brake!  Seriously, once you get to the point of visiting with a reproductive endocrinologist, charting is almost a joke.  If you feel the need to share another friend's story (who you know wouldn't mind), offer to give him/her the email address.  And then leave it at that.  It truly is helpful to talk to someone who has been through it, but your friend may not be ready.

The best piece of advice I can give?  Be happy with them, be sad with them.  You don't have to say anything.  Just listen.

If you have questions about someone's infertility experiences, just ask.  We'd rather you be educated about it.  You can help spread the word so the world doesn't ignore infertility.  If you have questions, and you are genuinely close to the person, ask them.  You might learn something.

I hope you all find this helpful.  Please share this information, the world could use it!  And be sure to visit www.resolve.org  for more information about infertility.

What's Up My Sleeve?

Last night when I was getting ready for bed, I started thinking about all the things that make my life easier.  The little things.  There are plenty of big things, like my sweet husband, my BFF, and the great schedule at my job.  I'm talking about the things that money can buy.

I think anyone can appreciate most of the items below, but because I am a mom and wife in the South, if you're also a mom and wife in the South, I think you'll find them as amazing as I do.  That is if you haven't already discovered some of them for yourself!

Dry Shampoo  That's right.  Shampoo that requires no water and takes two seconds to use.  If you haven't tried it, give it a shot.  It won't work miracles.  (My son threw an oatmeal-laden spoon at me this morning.  Dry shampoo would not cut it here.  I wouldn't even try.)  But it does save me at least three hours a week on washing, drying, and styling my hair.  I first fell in love with this product almost three years ago.  I used to have to go to a specialty store and pay $10 a bottle for this stuff.  Thankfully, it's gained popularity and can be found in any grocery store for around $3-5.  I've tried about a dozen brands and I can honestly say they all get the job done.  Some smell better than others.  Me?  I buy whatever is on sale.  

Immersion Blender  It's basically a blender on a stick.  You can get one for as little as $15 if you catch a good sale.  It's great for making textured foods that toddlers are not so fond of (read: vegetables) more pleasing to their picky palates.  For instance, when I made broccoli cheddar soup this winter, my son was eating around the broccoli.  Thirty seconds and an immersion blender cured him of that.  He ate every bite.  It's easy to use and can be chucked in the dishwasher (a must for me).  It's also great for emulsifying salad dressings.  We've made a couple of really fantastic vinaigrettes that didn't even separate!  I'm pretty sure it would make perfect baby food for those of you cool enough to make your own (not me).  I do kind of wish I had this one since it would match my stand mixer, but I can't justify replacing a something that already works perfectly.

Waterproof Crib Mattress Pads  I've shared this tip with just about all my new mom friends, but in case you missed out, we "double bag" Dane's crib mattress.  This means that when there's a pooplosion in the middle of the night, I don't have to wrestle with crib sheets, bumper pads, and a screaming toddler at 3am.  I just peel off the offending sheet and the mattress pad beneath it and voila - a new, fresh sheet!  Thanks to Laurie L. for sharing this with me!  It's been a lifesaver many times over.  We have these plain ol' Babies R Us mattress pads and they've been great.  I probably should have shared this in my Top Mommy Tools post but it didn't even cross my mind.

Baby Powder  We're going to the beach in a few weeks and I've considered purchasing this nifty little doo-dad, the Powder Pouch.  It's filled with corn starch and claims to make sand "disappear."  Sandy bottoms and diaper changes don't exactly mix, so this is a genius idea.  But when we had a sandy situation from the playground last weekend, and no Powder Pouch yet, Jonathan wisely suggested we try to dust baby powder on Dane to see if it worked.  It did!  And I don't have to spend $10 plus shipping!  Granted, the Powder Pouch does come in a super adorable case.  My baby powder just comes in a white plastic bottle.  However, I will feel no shame carrying my wholesale-size baby powder in my beach bag come May!  And as much as I hate feeling gritty, I will be dusting myself with a generous post-beach helping every day while on vacation.

Pizza Cutter  Great for cutting pizza... oh yeah, and it's lesser known use, toddler-size bites.  It makes quick work of a tedious task.  It also fantastic for cutting anything that's rather annoying to attempt with a regular kitchen knife.

I hope you all can get something useful out of this.  I'm thinking of making "What's Up My Sleeve?" a regular appearance, adding new tips and tricks as I stumble upon them.  Feel free to share your brilliant ideas as well!

Babies or By-Products?

Ok, I admit it.  I can hold a grudge.  For a really long time.  The particular grudge I'm talking about today is against two people I haven't even met.  But when I read this article, my skin felt like fire.

If you don't have time to read it, I'll give you the short version.  A couple (Mary Beth and Michael Brummond), in suburban Chicago are protesting a fertility clinic's proposed opening.  Fair enough.  But they go a little too far when they start name-calling children.  Had the Brummonds said this in my presence, it would have been difficult to keep from pushing them into oncoming traffic.  I thought I'd get over it.  I still haven't; so I decided to write about it.

In all seriousness, I understand and respect the right to freedom of speech.  I'm glad that the Brummonds can say how they feel.  I'm also glad that I can tell them (or write about how) they are absolute, complete and total morons.  I can also respect that Mr. and Mrs. Brummond don't feel it is right to pursue IVF.  However, they have zero right to tell me I can't.  And to call the tens of thousands of children born in the US every year via IVF "a manufactured commodity....an object, a product" shows me that the Brummonds and I do not know the same God.  Just ask all the men and women who are not lucky enough to "manufacture" a baby.  If only it was as easy as manufacturing.

This is life we are talking about.  My son would not be here if it wasn't for IVF.  My precious child.  How on earth could you possibly deny fit parents the opportunity to pursue one of life's greatest joys?  How dare you imply that he should not exist.

I promise you this, Mr. and Mrs. Brummond:  If you are ever lucky enough to meet Dane, "product" is the last word you'd use to describe him.  He's happy, healthy, beautiful, vibrant, wonderful, and perfect in every way.

Broken Hearts Healed

Sunday is Easter.  It also happens to be our sixth wedding anniversary.  (Happy Anniversary to the best husband ever!)  As happy an occasion as an anniversary should be, when April 8th rolls around, I am always a little sad when I remember our second anniversary.

We were in Florida at my grandmother's funeral.  I was positive that our second IUI attempt had failed but was having trouble reaching our fertility clinic for confirmation.  I had just learned less than a week ago that my sweet sister-in-law was pregnant.  As excited as I was to be an aunt (to the world's funniest, most handsome nephew), I was completely heart-broken.  When the preacher mentioned my sister-in-law's pregnancy during the funeral, I didn't just feel a "lump" in my throat.  I felt like my throat had just been ripped out -- Patrick Swayze - Roadhouse style.

I was trying to be there for my dad, but I was coming apart at the seams.  I managed not to cry during her funeral.  I didn't want someone to think that I was crying for myself and not my grandmother, even though very few people in attendance knew about our fertility struggles.  I temporarily pulled myself back together for the car ride to the cemetery.  Just as we parked our car, I received that phone call I'd been waiting on.  Yep, not pregnant.  I felt like I could handle it though.  I had been taking home pregnancy tests this whole time and I was well-practiced at seeing ONE line.  I knew I wasn't pregnant anyway.  I could deal with this.

As I stepped out of the car and walked toward the burial plot, I saw my dad.  The weight of it all hit me.  The best dad in the world was burying his mother.  On our anniversary.  And I may never know what it's like to be a mother; I may never give him a grandchild.  My spirit was crushed.  The tears came.

My dad and grandmother her last Christmas (2007)

This year's anniversary plans:  Easter egg hunting and celebrating springtime and being alive with my sweet son. I hope one day he understands how much he did for us just by coming into our lives.  He reminds us how joyful life can be.  When Dane was one day old, I updated my FB status to read "My heart is healed.  Three years of disappointment and broken dreams were worth it.  This is the child we were supposed to have all along."  I still feel this way.  I can't believe our blessings when I look at him.

Isn't this face just the definition of "joy"?!

I wish you and your family the kind of joy that Dane brings us every day.  Happy Easter!

Car Seat Nazi

Those of you who know me are well aware that I am a car seat nazi.  It takes every part of my being not to tell strangers I come across that their child is not even close to being buckled into his or her car seat appropriately.  Up to this point, I have been able to restrain myself.  However, once I achieve my goal of becoming a "Certified Car Seat Nazi," better known as Child Passenger Safety (CPS) Technician, I might feel more inclined to speak up.

For about a year now, I have really wanted to take the CPS Tech certification course.  Everything finally lined up and I'm actually registered to take a class in September!  I am beyond excited.  I know that it's super nerdy and more than slightly psychotic that I am obsessed with car seat safety.  I do hope that you'll feel free to ask me to inspect your car seat once I'm "official!"  Shout out to my friend Beth, who encouraged me to do this; also to my boss, Stacey, who is kindly giving me the days off to take this course and believes (as I do) that it will be very valuable in our field!